You’re not alone, as a couple therapist I know that many couples experience this throughout their relationship.
There are a great number of things that can contribute to this emotional distance depending on your phase of life and personal situation.
Common experiences include focusing on careers or study, having young children, chronic illness, focusing on separate personal goals, becoming ‘empty nesters’, mental health issues, lack of effective communication, not prioritising the relationship and much more. As you can see, it's not only negative circumstances that lead to emotional distance. However, people often believe if they are not feeling connected, close or intimate with their partner then they must not be in love with them any longer. The culturally glorified ideal of a soulmate, or the perfect partner, certainly plays a part in this perception. I may have to burst your bubble here, but these ideals are fantasy at best and damaging ideals at their worst. No matter who you end up with (your perceived soulmate or not), there will be a unique set of conflicts awaiting you. 

It’s not all doom and gloom though, once we accept that relationships will have their up and downs and that it’s not always greener on the other side we can make the choice to turn towards our partner, reach out and reconnect.

Five ways to reconnect with your partner:
1.  Empathy: Ask about their day without giving advice or finding solutions, simply listen with interest and empathy (it’s more difficult and more powerful than it sounds).
2.  Rituals: Remember to say goodbye and hello with a hug and a kiss. It’s easy forget these small gestures in the day to day rush of life, particularly if you have young children.
3.  Gratitude: Thank your partner for the little things they do. “Thanks for cooking dinner, thanks for making the bed, thanks for getting up to the kids last night, thanks for working so hard…”. Happy couples appreciate one another and don’t take things for granted.
4.   Compassion: Don’t sweat the small stuff- it’s easy to become irritated by the small things when we don’t feel close to our partner. So be kind to one another and try utilising humour to diffuse tension.
5.   Prioritise: Make your relationship a priority. This means giving it the attention and support it requires. Perhaps you need to schedule regular dates, seek counselling, be more intimate, talk more or create new life goals together.

Remember, healthy happy relationships require continual maintenance, these are just a few simple examples of how you may connect with one another. Please feel free to comment about the ways you and your partner stay connected.

And lastly, don’t be ashamed to reach out for support if your relationship is suffering. Let’s break the outdated belief that couples therapy is a ‘last ditch effort’ and create a new cultural norm that values emotional intelligence and encourages couples (and individuals) to be supported and empowered.
 
Jade Bonney
Relationship Counsellor
0406 089 641
​jade@awakeninsights.com.au
​

Whether you love it, hate it, or apathetically celebrate it, no doubt Valentine's Day conjures up thoughts of romance, connection and love. For those couples in the new romance phase- these thoughts probably feel warm and comfortable. For the unattached perhaps they evoke sadness, longing or neutrality. For those battling a rough patch in their relationship these thoughts of love and romance may evoke feelings of grief, loss, loneliness, disappointment or hopelessness. It is often at this point that couples reach out to me for relationship counselling.
Whilst it can seem like a big, scary step to take- couples counselling can help shift your relationship from coexisting to truly connecting.

This Valentine's Day you can begin the process of repair and connection with a few small gestures.

1. GRATITUDE. Say thank you. It may seem insignificant, but showing gratitude for even the smallest things our partner has done increases fondness in a relationship. “Thanks for working hard today, thanks for taking the rubbish out, thanks for cooking dinner, thanks for folding the washing”.
2. FRIENDSHIP. Ask your partner about their day in a personalised and interested way. “How did the project meeting go? How was that podcast you listened to? How did you go at your group today?” Then set aside distractions (phones, tv’s etc) and be prepared to actively listen and engage.
3. CONNECTION. Go to bed at the same time: whether or not you are feeling like being intimate, going to bed together gives you the opportunity to connect. It may be a cuddle, a kiss, sex, a long conversation in the dark, reading in shared silence or simply the touching of feet as you drift off to sleep. It is a simple yet important gesture of togetherness.

Maybe this year's Valentine's Day gift could be one of hope and a new commitment to reignite your relationship. Take a look at my couples counselling page for further information on how we can work together to achieve your relationship goals. http://www.awakeninsights.com.au/couples-counselling.html

Jade Bonney
Holistic Counsellor
0406 089 641
jade@awakeninsights.com.au

It’s slow going on the renovation front and Melbourne weather is playing its part. The exterior sealing and weather proofing is a task that requires conditions that are not too hot, not too windy, not wet for at least 8hours and only on a Sunday where nothing else has been planned. With so many requirements it’s no wonder it’s taken months to achieve the first layer of sealant. Though with this first magic layer comes the freedom for me to commence interior painting and decorating. It’s still very much a work in progress though you can see how it's coming together. I will be keeping the décor simple and neutral so as to create a calming space for you to awaken to your insights.

I love a good ‘before and after’ shot, let me know your thoughts.

December arrives and with it comes a hamper filled with an assortment of stresses, each uniquely wrapped and delicately ribboned to suit your individual world.
Some of the common ‘stress hamper’ delights include:
> Who’s family to spend Christmas with.
> Which parent will have the kids for Christmas.
> Choosing gifts for loved ones.
> Choosing gifts for the ‘not entirely loved’ ones.
> How can we afford this Christmas?
> Too much left to do at work before the end of the year.
> Not enough work to see me through the holidays.
> Tired and emotional kids (and parents)
> Missing loved ones.
> Having to spend time with the ‘not entirely loved’ ones.
> Too many commitments, not enough time.

Any of these sound familiar?  If so then perhaps you need a few techniques to get you through the holidays. These simple strategies may save your sanity, help regulate your nervous system, aid in digestion and immune system function and increase your over all coping mechanisms.

1) BREATHE- Breathe Rhythmically & Evenly with Acceptance Through Hard Emotions
This is about noticing when things are stressful and doing your best to focus on your breath to help regulate your emotions.

2)  MOVE- Move Overloaded or Vulnerable Energy
Connect into your body at times of stress, take notice when there is energy that needs to be discharged or dispersed- run, jog, walk, dance, stretch, jump up and down or even stamp your feet (try it, it feels very satisfying).

3) SPACE- Set-aside Peaceful Alone time, Creating Expansion
We all need to remember to stop, pause and be still. This time of the year is so busy and rushed, therefore it is even more crucial that we remember to give ourselves some space. You may wish to meditate, take a walk in nature, sit under a tree, take a bath or even sit in the dark and stare at the Christmas lights. However it suits you, make being still and peaceful a priority, it's so vital to our emotional health and overall wellbeing.

This year my mantra is "Give less presents and be more present" 
Here is a link to my ten minute mindfulness meditation to help you be more present this Christmas.
https://soundcloud.com/user-724000073/awaken-insights-mindfulness-of-breath-10mins

Take care and be kind to yourself.
Jade

I’m beginning to awaken her potential, a couple of layers of undercoat, and a few scatter cushions for display and she’s coming to life. The hard work is still to come, though it will all be worth it in the end. Drawing upon Awaken Insights counselling philosophy (Body, Creativity, Story and Awareness), I have shown how the spaces within may be used.  
Now I just need find the right name- every good van deserves a name. I’m trying to utilise her rich history for inspiration. Stay tuned, and feel free to offer up your own ideas.

     5 keys to dusting yourself off and restoring balance in your life:
I don’t know about you but the school holidays can be rough. Whilst I love my children, spending day in and day out with them isn’t my idea of a good time. There seems to be an ever-mounting pressure to entertain them and make every school holiday an epic adventure. The effect being tired, broke parents and harder to please, not very grateful children. This blog is less about the things we should do (let them play unstructured outside, plan outings in the great outdoors that don’t drain resources, remember that’s it’s not your ‘job’ to entertain them and take time to do things you enjoy also), and more about how we can bounce back after things haven’t gone to plan.
These holidays I found myself sick, tired and extremely frustrated- circumstances had me caring full time, on my own for three children that fought most of the time. Add daylight savings to the mix and you have an exhausting combination. As a result, there was very little time for my own self-care, (meditation, bath’s, reading, quiet time, beach walks). As the days progressed, I coughed more, yelled more and sometimes just wanted to run away and cry.
Of course, there were nice moments in between, but overall, I felt defeated. There were times that I thought, “I should be coping better”, “I know that yelling only makes things worse”, “all my ‘good parenting’ has come undone”, “why can’t I control this situation?” My survival mantra over the past week was “this too shall pass”.
Whether it’s school holidays or some other life circumstance leaving you drained, here are five ways to dust yourself off and restore balance once more:
1. Self-Forgiveness:
Now that I’ve had a couple of days to reflect I can forgive myself, and my children. We are not perfect, parenting is hard work, we all have our limits. Know your self-deprecating story (this week mine was “I do this for a living, I should be able to cope better”) and offer it (the story that is) compassion and forgiveness. We can’t be at our best all the time. Be kind to yourself.
2. Fill your cup back up:
I was fortunate enough to have the weekend to recover, my husband took the kids and I lay on the couch in the sun and read a mindless novel. We need to acknowledge that we are empty and make it a priority to rest and recover before we get back into the weekly routine. If you can’t do this before the week begins, then ensure you weave it into the week: a short meditation, a lunch time run or walk, self- reflection or creative journaling, sitting quietly in the sun; whatever works for you.
3. Debrief:
The most helpful thing for me is to not carry this alone, when we feel overwhelmed and we keep it to ourselves it manifests into greater stress and illness in our lives. It also doesn’t give others the opportunity to help us recover. By sharing with my friends and family my distress there were able to help me by taking the kids and giving me space.
4. Trust yourself:
Don’t allow the low points to define you. So, you didn’t do a great job, didn’t cope well, feel like you failed at something or felt defeated. Trust that you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and step into a new day. Even if that means you need the help of loved ones or a professional, even if it’s hard and not much fun, even if it takes time to recover. Right now is a new moment, a new opportunity to try again. I’m not yet back to my ‘best self’ but I’m certainly being kind to myself in the process.
5. Be mindful
When we feel overwhelmed it is often difficult to be mindful of the moment, of the body, of the breath. As things start to settle down remember to reconnect to your body, your physical response to emotional triggers in the moment. This helps prevent the build-up of nervous energy, stress and anxiety. You can do this by focusing on the sensations you feel in your body (hot-cold, tight-loose, dense-soft, still-moving) without judging them or trying to change them. Simply breathing and offering compassion to yourself goes a long way towards calming your nervous system and restoring your sense of balance.
I teach more of these mindfulness strategies on the first Friday of the month in The Mindful Body: de-stress session. Follow the link to book:  
http://www.awakeninsights.com.au/workshopsgroups.html

This week I've been washing, sanding and undercoating, as a result, I'm feeling lots of muscles that seem to have been hibernating for the winter. The painting of the undercoat has been quite therapeutic, I've always felt that the therapy component of painting is in the process. Despite the monotone palette, I've enjoyed the feeling of the paint rolling on, squishing the brush into all the small grooves, getting into a rhythm, feeling the burning of my muscles and simply enjoying the moment.
It's also very rewarding to begin to see her potential, it's amazing what a splash of paint (even stark white undercoat) can achieve. She feels bigger and brighter already. Next week I'll show you a mockup of her potential. For now, I'll leave you with a few photo's and a few thoughts.
“Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.”
- Pablo Picasso
“Respond to every call that excites your spirit.”  
- Rumi
"A black cat and white paint do not make grey, they simply don't mix." 

I am very excited to announce that Awaken Insights is creating a new space!
Introducing the van without a name (I'm still working on that). She may not look like much from this picture (accompanied by my celebratory champagne), but this old beauty was hand built in 1948. I look forward to sharing more of her history with you over the coming months as I embark on her restoration.
How this came about:
I love working within China Dragon. Everyone that walks into my counselling space for the first time comments on some aspect of it, the warmth, the energy, the beautiful Chinese antique décor, one can not deny that it is special. However, I've been dreaming of a space of my own, somewhere I may invite my clients to be more creative (in other words, get messy), a space that truly reflects the work that I do. And so was born the idea of a vintage caravan conversion. This van was meant to be mine, she has a rich and beautiful history and is filled with character.  
Set aside any 'Holistic Counsellor' clichés, this wont be a travelling van popping up at festivals, rather, she  will be at home in the (soon to be) beautiful courtyard of China Dragon.
Please follow my journey as I embark on creating a beautiful, creative and safe space for us all to awaken to our insights.

Are you feeling sad? Seasonal Affective Disorder is a diagnostic term for a type of low mood or acute depression experienced by many people (to lesser or greater degree) during the colder, darker, winter months: lack of sunlight  thought to be the major contributing factor. Whilst most of us will not have the misfortune of meeting the diagnostic criteria for S.A.D, many of us endure the winter months with lower moods.

Do you feel a little emotionally flat during winter?

Do you feel more fatigued, less energised?

Do you crave comfort foods?

Do you mourn the sunshine? 

Are you spending most of your waking hours inside? 
Here are a few tips to lift your mood and get you through until spring. 

1. Take a warm jacket when you head out: I know I'm not your mother though if you are warm and cosy you will be more inclined to stay outside and soak up the sunshine when it makes an appearance. 
2. Take a walk during your lunch break: now that you have your warm jacket there is no excuse not to go for a walk. Even the beach is fair game if you're rugged up (I should know, I'm there everyday regardless). 
3. A reading chair in the sun: I know the best place to get the afternoon sun in my home, so when I'm not at work you'll find me curled up like a cat, soaking it up. 
4. Be opportunistic: Melbourne weather is fickle at the best of times, so if you're at your desk and notice the sun beaming through the distant window, make a break for it and drag your less than cheery workmates with you. Even a few moments of sunshine and fresh air can be revitalising. 
   
5. Acceptance: Embrace the cold, marvel at the rainbows, cherish the sun in the moments you spend with it, appreciate the rain, and enjoy the early nights in front of the fire. 

Whilst this list may seem simplistic, it forms the bases for essential winter self care. If, however, you are experiencing extremely low moods or increased anxiety, please reach out to family, friends and professionals. 
As a Holistic Counsellor I see many people that need additional support to help them through difficult times. 
Enjoy the moments of sun.
Jade Bonney
Holistic Counsellor

At the beginning of a new year I find myself wavering between being reflective of the year behind me, and contemplating the year before me. There is often a sense of relief that I survived the beautiful chaos that is a year of my life, and a giddy excitement that I have the chance to start over fresh. Almost as if an invisible slate is wiped clean of all my previous year’s short comings. I say to myself things like ‘this year I’ll get up early and walk in the mornings’, ‘this year, I’ll do the dishes before I go to bed’, ‘this year, I’ll focus a new random hobby that I have been meaning to pursue for the past 15 years!’
I recently saw a meme that aptly described this sentiment, “I’m going to open a gym called resolutions. For the first few weeks it will have gym equipment and the rest of the year it will turn into a bar”.  As the saying goes, ‘it’s funny because it’s true’. Though why is this the case, why do many of our well-intended resolutions fall to the wayside so quickly? Why are we then left feeling a little irksome when we don’t keep to our vague plans, needing to shrug off the uncomfortable shudder that courses through our body at the thought of our failed commitment to self? Whilst there are many potential reasons that one may stop going to the gym, fail to save more money each week or train for the self-imposed torture of a half marathon (which incidentally will never be on my to-do list), experience shows me that is more to do with our true (authentic) values than it is about laziness, financial pressure, family commitments or any other of our creative excuses.

So what are these ‘values’ and how do they play a part in our choices and our resolve to do something?

Values are the driving force behind all our unconscious motivations. They differ from morals in that they are individual rather that adopted by collective ideas such as a religion, community or culture.
As a child we foster our ‘family’s values’- and these values may be retained, either consciously or unconsciously, well into adulthood. In fact until you come to question them, often at times of duress or greater self-awareness, they may govern your life and your choices for better or for worse.
It’s important to become aware of our personal values as:
> they connect us to our greater purpose in life
> they change as we grow
> they are things we choose to care about, they are not facts though they do determine our prejudices, judgments and choices
> they will be hierarchical, i.e. family may be of greater importance than adventure
> our personal growth and life circumstances needs to be aligned with them
> we need to let go of the old values that no longer serve us or are no longer relevant
> in order to live a rich and meaningful life we need to make choices in accordance with our values, doing so requires us to be aware of them
> and most importantly, if we live in the moment in accordance with our values, our goals become less like ‘greatly anticipated and overly prized destinations’,  but rather worthwhile achievements in the course of our life. In other words, the journey becomes more valuable than the destination.
Humour me for a minute, it’s New Year’s Eve and you’re having a laugh with your good friend Tanya and sharing your resolutions for the year ahead. Her core values are: Family, Loyalty, Career, Kindness, Creativity, Education, Adventure.

Tanya, a busy mother of three young boys and a full-time marketing manager, says “that’s it, I’m going to get fit this year”. Sure, that’s sounds great, getting fit seems like a healthy choice, though you know Tanya values time with her family, is passionate about her work and loves to spend her down-time with her current art project and a block of chocolate. With this in mind can you see the potential down-fall of this goal? Firstly it’s vague, and vague goals are open-ended, half-hearted promises. Secondly, there is a good chance that your friend Tanya feels that she should be ‘fit’, potentially an inauthentic value stemming from social pressures or outdated personal/family values, rather than an achievable goal that is aligned with her present life. Perhaps if Tanya’s resolution was to play soccer in the park a few afternoons a week with her soccer-mad boys then she may be more likely to stick to her resolution as it is aligned to her greatest value, family. Thus making her journey to achieving her goal more valuable than the goal itself. Reducing anxiety and increasing life enjoyment.

If we are to set goals, keep our resolutions, make decisions (and feel confident in them) we should take the time to connect with our true values, realign them where necessary, and allow them to be our guide.  One of the simplest ways in which to do this is to question your current choices, lifestyle, judgements, likes and dislikes. An authentic value (that is, a chosen personal value that we are aware of and that governs our decisions) is an intrinsic belief that requires no defending. Understanding and articulating our values in the present may free us from ‘old stories’ that are holding us back in life. There is the potential to become more tolerant of others as well as alleviate stress and frustrations through the recognition of our motivations for our judgments of others, in turn becoming more self-aware and able to live more fully in the moment.

 
To uncover your Authentic Values and prepare yourself to set achievable goals for the year ahead, join me for a Two Hour Experiential Workshop. Wednesday 10th February 2015, 7:30pm-9:30pm. $40. For more information and to resister your interest visit http://www.awakeninsights.com.au/workshopsgroups.html